critique my story please =]

Form:

Your Name : amelia
Your age : 18
Title of your story : concrete jungle
Website where story is located [ direct link me to your story ] : concrete.JUNGLE
Your screen name on the site : a u t h e n t i k
Chapters : only 1
Posts [ how many POSTS or REPLIES have people made to your story ] : 31
Your EMAIL address [ so I can EMAIL you the critique if problems may occur ] : ameliajones084@gmail.com

Alright ... I'll get to yours.

Brit [Brit]'s Review:

Alright, before I begin to critique the story, I need to tell you that you'll receive your critique on HERE and also on C-X.

Ok ... now to the story.

I see you made your own banner ... tryna be an author and illustrator, huh? The banners nice, I'm feeling the text, but not the guy in it. Did you halftone it? Looks that way. But anyway ... on to the story.

Alright, the title is a hit. I like it, but already, before I even clicked to read the story, I could tell that it would be sort of hood-ish / gangsta - ish / hardcore - ish.

Honestly, I'm not really a fan of those stories. I prefer NOT to read it, but because you filled out a form to get your story critiqued, I'm doing it.

For the intro, something I liked about it is how you decided to EMPHASIZE some words. Alot of authors on this site don't do that. You EMPHASIZED alot and that REALLY helped to set the tone of the story.

Good job with that.

I especially loved your comparison of a jungle with people. That was just brilliant. Again, you were able to set up like, the PERFECT tone for this story. Hell, in the FIRST sentence in this story, the atmosphere was established. That's really good.

Hmm ... I like also in the first chapter how it seemed as if the story was talking to us. It was explaining to us with the comparison with animals and people and then at the end, you asked which one are you in this Concrete Jungle. That was a nice way to end the intro.

Overall, this was a very nice intro. I enjoyed reading it.

Review for first chapter coming soon ...

Brit [Brit]

Brit [Brit]'s Review:

I'm feeling the format of this story, how you labeled the chapter and have the indent thing going on. You set your own style and that's cool.

Hmm ... so his name is Panama huh? That's a different name. So, he was trying to get initiated into something? His mentor teaching him all loads of crap and such. I was surprised that he pulled out a gun from randomocity and handed it to him. That's fucked up how he wanted Panama to shoot Benny [ I think that was his name ]. It sucks even worse that he wanted him to shoot him more times than enough. The guy's DEAD already, and he wanted him to shoot Benny even MORE . What the freak? This guy is CRAZY ... and he's his street mentor, huh?

Something that REALLY caught my attention in this story was how the mentor was fingering the whole in his head. But, what made it catch my attention was how you said it was like he was fingering a pussy. It's WEIRD, but that line really captivated me because it became easier for me to picture it [ lmfao, now how does that make me sound ? ] .

Moving on ...

Hmmm ... I like the whole condescending thing that Black is pushing on Panama. How he's calling him a rookie and such. This shows a type of conflict between the two characters, and it also shows how this conflict escalated into Panama actually MURKING Black's ass in the back.

What CAUGHT my attention again is how Panama followed Black's advice on shooting more than one time. I saw that you said he shot Black THREE times, not one. So, he shot the Benny guy only ONE time, and shot his MENTOR three times...that's TWO more on his ass. I'm not sure if that was intended, but I liked that you added that part.

The whole hood/street advice thing was a nice touch. I admit, I didn't really read them thoroughly though. Why? Again, I'm not a big fan on hood stories.

Another thing I like in this chapter is how you compared Black to being an elephant. You're linking back to the title and the intro. You have great writing skills to be able to do that.

Panama seems scary as hell though, saying how he loved to be strong, unbeatable, and on top of the world. He has a type of I'll fuck you up before you fuck me up, I'll kill your ass before you can even blink persona. That's sexy, but dangerous all at the same time.

I wonder how his character will develop in this story.

Nice descriptions/details and all. Everything was so vivid and strong ... no, DEMANDING. That just adds on to this being a type of thug-ish story.

I enjoyed it.

Your RATING, which is different than a critique, for this story will be posted on C-X .

=)

Brit [Brit]

Ok, here is where I give an overall rating of your ENTIRE story that I've read.

The rating is on a scale from 1-10.

1 is the worst
10 is the best

I'm not going to be biased towards your story because of the genre of it. I'm going to base this rating on the appearance/format, grammer/punctuation/etc, plot, etc.

Overall, your story is a 9.

I enjoyed reading it. You had very little or virtually no mistakes or typos, which made for clear and easy reading. Your descriptions were great; especially your similes and metaphors of animals vs. humans.

That's a nice quality to have in writing. The title is hot. The banner was decent.

The only negative thing I can really think of is just that your story may seem to be EXTREMELY long due to how you aligned it. I'm not saying to change anything, but when I first clicked on the story and estimated how long it would take me to read the story, I didn't want to begin reading the first chapter just because it seemed to be EXTREMELY long. I was gonna wait and read it tomorrow morning, but since I wasn't really doing anything, I decided to read it.

So yea ...

You got a 9 from me. If you want me to continue reading the rest of the story, just fill out another application [ it can be in this same post ] and I'll try to critique the rest.

So .... on the high rating.