Critique my story

Your Name : Kikora
Your age : 16
Title of your story : I Wanna Be
Website where story is located [ direct link me to your story ] : I don't have a link yet because I have yet to post the stoy yet.
Your screen name on the site : SoFlySoSexy
Chapters : Only a paragrah, just for you see if you like it.
Posts [ how many POSTS or REPLIES have people made to your story ] : none yet
Your EMAIL address [ so I can EMAIL you the critique if problems may occur ] : LadyWifey001@yahoo.com

Chapter o01. [First Day]
Chantal [Tal] Gorrell
[12th] 17 years Young
08/20/07

[LAUREN LONDON]

I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock "BEEp BEEp". It read 5:30 in big red bold letters. Thank god, I didn't have to squin my eyes because of the light but likely, it was dark outside. I went to the bathroom to go take a shower. About 20 min later, I came out. Since my mom kept the towels in there, I grabbed one & wrapped myself up & then went to my room. Since it was really hot outside, I decided to wear a white Lot 29 shirt, a blue denim miniskirt, & some fresh-out-of box white forces. I lotioned up, & I put my Victoria's Secret bra & panties set. Then I put my clothes on & my minishorts underneath. I put my heart-shaped bamboo earrings with my name in it in. Then I went to the bathroom & brushed my teeth & washed my face. I did my hair in two pigtails. I sprayed some "Romantic Wish" on and got my chirp * Verizon LG phone, & put it in my drawstring bookbag. I went downstairs & grabbed a breakfast bar & an extra poptart for later. Then waited for my twin brother, Chris.

[JUELZ SANTANA]: Chris
Yes, I'm a twin. In fact, he's older than me by 15 secs & seems to like to rub in my face every chance he gets.
"Come on, lil sis." Chris said, appearing out of nowhere. I rolled my eyes, I Told ya!!
"Where Nel at?" I asked him, referring to my baby sister Chanel. [KEISHA CHANTE]: cHANEL
She's 14 years old & thinks she's so cute because she's starting highschool. "Right here" she said, running down the stairs. We walked to Chris' 2007 Impala CS, since I didn't feel like driving. We rode to Los Angeles Senior High School. We pulled up to the school, as we seen everybody chillin' outside. Chris found a parking spot, & we all got out. Chanel saw her little friends, so she said bye & left. Chris seen his homies so he went to go chill with them, but since I didn't see my ni99as, I went to the main office.
"Hi, Ms. Espers. Can I have my scheldule please?." I asked the secretary. "Yes, sure. How was your summer" She said, making small talk as she typed my name in & printed my scheldule, actually remembering it from th previous years.
"It was ok." I said, smiling showing my dimples. "Thats great, here you go... Have a nice day" Then handing my scheldule. "Thank you" I said, & left.

Thanks for filling out the form, and I see that you have your sample in HERE. How CONVENIENT for me.

Alright.

This is what I have to say about it ;



Some of it was confusing, like, with the brackets and the names inbetween the brackets, but I think those were supposed to be the pictures, but you only did that because you're not USED to the board yet. So, I COMPLETELY understand. I'm not going to deduct any points from you. Also, the FORMAT of the story isn't that appealing to me either. Again, I'm sure it's because you're not USED to this board so you did it as best as you could. So, I'll not deduct points from the story for that either.

There's a few spelling errors in there, but blah, we all make them, so it's okay. Atleast the mistakes weren't all OVER the place to the point that it gets unbearable to read.

She has a TWIN brother ? REALLY ? Wow...fraternal twins, huh? How interesting. I don't think I've read a story with fraternal twins before, so good job with that.

Alright, here's something that sort of bugged me with the story. You describing what she wore is all good, but to me [ either because I'm tired or something ] it just felt a bit un-necessary. Like, I'm glad that your description is ON POINT with the clothes, but some small stuff like that ... too much of it is not needed. I was just getting tired of reading all of what she decided to wear for that day.

[shrugs shoulders ]

Moving on ...

So, it appears as if the girl is returning back to her school over the summer break. With new school years, comes new drama and old drama. I wonder what's going to happen to her, her little sister, and her twin.

Hmmm....

Now, something about the story also just seems....a bit PREDICTABLE. Meaning, I'm just going to make a few assumptions with this story and I'll see if my assumptions are right if I choose to continue and follow up with this story. I'm feeling the whole vibe of a new student [ even though I don't think she's new ] coming back to school, new boyfriend, old boyfriend troubles clouding her relationship with the new guy, something DRASTIC and terrible happening, but her trying to stay with her new lover.

Blah ... that's just me though.

PROVE ME WRONG !!

Overall, I'll give this story a 7 .

Your welcome.. I thought about it, like what's the point of doing a link when I can just do it right here;

But anyways....

You are completely right; I have no idea how to work this site, or how to do the banner or my character banners so I just put the name & who they are in brackets so you could know who I'm using... So you can get a feel of who the person is, cause it works for me.

But anyways... Thank you, I should have to look at it before I sent it.... & yes she has a twin brother, & a little sister & a older sister...& she also has a very big family... I'm sorry about how you feel about my describing what she wore, but idk I guess I'm use to just describing what she wore because alot of people like to know what someone wore...

Yes, new school year; new drama & old drama... but also, you said it's predictable but no offense, what you described to me what you thought would be about the story is completely different than what the story is going to be.. Not at all

I try & be different and trust me when you read it, you going to like it because it's going to be sort like the show degrassi if you ever seen it;

Thank you for giving the feedback, most of all.

No problem chick. No offense taken. Like I said, PROVE ME WRONG. I like to see stories taken on a different twist and I wouldn't mind to continue reading it.

I never seen DEGRASSI, but I know everyone else does, so, if they like the show series, I'm sure they'll like this story.

If you want, you can continue updating me on the status of your story. Like, you can tell me where it's posted, when you update it, etc etc.

If you need any banners or character banners or anything for the story, you can reach me on here and I'll be happy to make banners for you. You'll just have to ask on the PIXELIZE IT board.

You're VERY welcome.

I love critiquing people's stories, so it was no problem.

If you have another story that you would want me to critique for you, just fill out another form, and I'll get to you A.S.A.P.